Routes to Heaven From Hell..!!

Ahhhh long time now that I penned down any of my experiences..and yeah thanks to me watching the episode of Satyameva Jayate – Season 3 anchored by Aamir Khan where the discussions was around Road Accidents Or Murders…that dragged me here to post my opinions and thoughts around driving in India!! Would love to dedicate all my friends and readers of this blog a song – Aye Bhai Zara Dekh Ke Chalo..Aage Hi Nahi Peeche Bhi..Upar Hi Nahi Neeche Bhi…. ;)

Especially When You Drive In Bangalore ;)

Dangling with life is all I can say when you are on roads with your vehicles in India. Particularly experience of driving in Bangalore is too maniacal. I am sure most of you might have heard rantings of how traffic is messing up the beauty of Pensioner’s Paradise (not anymore)…and the BBMP carelessness towards the city. I am sure traffic woes of Bangalore is one global problem now..!!

To give you folks an idea of how it is to drive in Bangalore (I guess any place in India) first and foremost standard feature are the POTHOLES. Once a year on a bluemoon the government will decide to bless we tax payers with good roads and make us feel driving on roads which are so sexily neat is better than having an orgasm, but do we jubilant people even realize how shortlived our joys are??? Yeah ofcourse it is..dont we know the roads that’s just been polished with tars get digged unreasonably by the phone companies, the electricity boards, the water boards, new building constructions etc etc…..SIGH!!!

Talking about potholes let me tell you there are easily around 52000 potholes right now in Bangalore as per a certain statistics in an article I read and the funds allocated annually for the repair of the same is anywhere between 3000 to 5000 CRORES..!! Ouch ouch…poor tax payers….how hard we work and fight with our bosses for salary raise…for this???? And talk about the size and shapes of the potholes…Someday will have to dedicate a blog entirely on the variety of potholes in Bangalore..!! Must say potholes have been very lucrative to orthopedists in Bangalore, for most bikers end up at an orthopedist after suffering acute back aches or disastrous fall.

Did u think other than the vehicles multiplying on roads every minute its only potholes thats the only woe to person driving down the hell..??? Answer is ofcourse “NO”. Let me take you through more insights through my eyes ;)

Expert are the drivers who navigate their ways through potholes but braver are the ones who face the animal menace..almost everyday…!!! Dogs, cows, bulls crossing our paths, sometimes in big groups is quite common. If you are driving a two wheeler, you can definitely expect stray dogs to hound you once it is dark. You have to flee at super speed to avoid getting bitten. If it’s a cow..then there is no room for negotiations…wait till the cow catwalks the road at its own pace. Cow is the winner. PERIOD.

Ahhh and my favorites of all…Speed breakers..!! They come in various flavours. At some places, there won't be any difference between speed breakers and the road dividers, they're as high and as abrupt...so keep your breaks in good condition. Some others are aimed at helping you digest your food quickly, they're almost like a high-frequency high-amplitude sinusoidal wave making every car part and body part vibrate rhythmically. Others are some kinda uneven patch of protruding asphalt, formed by an attempt to fill-in a pothole which would give you one quick random jerk enough to chuck you from your profoundest reverie. There are natural speed breakers too, holy cow! :D

Did I say keep an eye on the calender, on some festivals the Gods land on the road in India…and the cops protect them with barricades and hence either the routes gets changed or the roads get narrower, which would lead to the famed "Traffic Jams". It's the same case before elections, just that in place of Gods, unworthy politicians block the traffic. Oh this is such a menace..!!

Once these man made hurdles, animal menace, Godly appearances are crossed, we come to the real problem. The humans. Here it is very interesting. I like to classify the people I come across on the roads. With due respect, we will start from the older age group

60 and above: They ride/drive their scooters/cars super cautiously at 20 km/hr bang in the middle of the heavy traffic road. No amount of honking will move them to the extreme left, where they can drive at their own pace. You just have to take a deep breath and crawl behind them.

30 to 60 ages arrogant upper upperest class Uncles and Aunties: These tribes think  it is their birth right to park their super sized cars anywhere they want on a busy road. The "No parking sign" has no significance to them. They do not have a thought as to whether their parking will hinder someone else driving on that road. If you say something about any of this, they are rude. Basically it is a hopeless group.

Youth : They talk while driving. So one hand is on the steering wheel/handle bar and the other holds the phone. They do not stop to talk. They crawl on the road, while talking sweet nothings. They are blissfully unaware of the traffic being held up because of them. No amount of honking again can get them to move to a corner. And those ahh so lovely eye candies who though the traffic signal has shown green would still want to finish applying their mascara and then prefer accelerating..!!

Then irrespective of the age groups, we have the regular morons, who cut the signals, cross in front of you when they are not supposed to, whizz past you at super speeds giving you heart attack. All your senses have to be on high alert all the time to avoid accidents because of someone else's mistake.

Then there are people like me, who mouth profanities at people breaking the rules, believes strongly that "being good" does not get rewarded on the road and just crosses the road when she thinks it is her turn by showing her hand in a stop sign to others and makes eye contact. So far it has worked and people do not dare defy her charm. ;)

All said and done some more highlights and tips just FYI ;)

You may happen to see great deep chasms in the earth, as though the city has been hit by a terrific earthquake or something. Don't exclaim, it's the BCC's (Bangalore City Corporation) infrastructural underground work which was completed just a year ago (sarcastic). Just that they forgot to cover up.

Some basic rules just don't work in Bangalore. Say you're on a crowded highway and want to make left turn, a guy on the right most side of the road makes the turn as easily and carelessly as a guy a guy on the left most side. He is always ready to take the curse of everybody along the width of the road, awaiting to go straight or turn right. This antic for sure is gonna test ur patience, and curse if you like. PLS DO!

My personal experience says pls maintain distance while overtaking a bus, you may be disgustingly expectorated upon by the passengers. You're lucky if it's normal spit, sometimes you may be colourfully showered by dashing red of the betel leaf juice or yucky yellow sputum or worse still you may be puked upon. Ewww isn’t?? But this happens…its true…

A jacket is highly recommended if you don't want to be surprised by seeing almost wrinkled brown shirt in the office, while it was dashing crisp white at home. Dust levels and pollution have raised to great extents, zip up your jackets and wear your helmets. They may save you from being hurt too.

Pedestrians are the mortals who have absolutely no priority whatsoever on the road. Even a bicyclist does not stop for you to cross the road, forget about the motor vehicles. Crossing a busy road gives you as much adrenaline rush as bungee jumping or sky-diving. I'm a believer of Karma not an hardcore atheist, but everytime I cross the road in front of my office, I end up having God's name on my lips...!!! :/

So if you can drive on these kinds of road for nearly two hours one way without losing your patience and peace of mind, without upping your BP, without mouthing profanities and without any accident, consider yourself a blessed soul with a divine art to drive. For you have transcended the normal human impulses and reached an exalted state. If you can drive in Bangalore, you can drive anywhere in the world and survive in any kind of  harsh conditions. So I am thankful that every day I learn my life lessons on the roads of Namma Bengaluru…!!!