Who wants to talk about life ehhh...???

Today as I and my friend were talking over a chat about life in general and she shares..."Poonam m just so bugged of everything around me...cant handle these taxing pressures...blah blah blah...." and I m like..."ok lets not talk bout life...lets talk bout death...". Yeah yeah as usual she wasn't really interested and pinged me back " hmmm...well u r insane...brb..!!" and Lo! She left me alone with my thoughts...and gave me a chance to give it a shot how LIFE would be after my DEATH...which I penned down now as I am ‘thinking` of it.

Why am I DYING?

I have no reason to believe that I will die. If all is well...In about 15-20 years, when I am closer to dying, I expect the Stem Cell Technology to have improved (Got a gyan on the stem cell thing from one of my clients Lifecell from Chennai on this), with scope to extend the lifetime of an adult human being to 200+ years. Guess I should start potting some plants in my house I'd not want to be running short on ‘Stems` when the need arises. Pun intended ;)

But then I think, Stem Cell technology or no Stem Cell Technology….why wouldn`t I die? I mean, they say God is dead. If God can be dead….why can`t Poonam be dead? But then again, when I think that for me Elvis Presley isn`t dead….I wonder,
Why would Poonam be dead?
If I am not going to die due to natural causes (thanks to Stem Cell Technology & all those plants that I will be growing at home), will I end up committing suicide? Hmmm...let me think….maybe not. Primarily because I live my life with the help of Do-It-Yourself books and books on ‘How to commit suicide` are never available in libraries. Apparently, nobody ever returns them. Some of the other books that don`t get returned are ‘How to make a bomb,` ‘How to murder your husband and mother in law?` and ‘How to tame a dragon in one hour`.

For the sake of moving my imagination forward, let me assume that Pooh dies. And when that happens, people who didn`t even know that Pooh lived…will be informed that Pooh has died. As one of my favourite humor writer GK Chesterton once said: “Journalism largely consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

The big question is, how would the Television Channels and Newspapers, Social Networks and Weekly Magazines handle my death? I know I am not famous right now, but let us assume for the sake of this blog of mine that in 15-20 years down the line I am famous. Will I make it to the cover of the magazines? If yes, will they cover my coffin and then take a picture or will they move the lid across and show my drop-dead-gorgeous face? STOP LAUGHING ...assume after 15 yrs I suddenly look gorgeous ;)....What about the Television Channel – will they run 30-minute slots titled “A day with Pooh inside her coffin” or maybe “Pooh`s funeral wardrobe – how to get dressed for that last journey”. Rotfl....!! :D

Me dying, how will it affect me

If I die today, I will hold many grudges when I roam around in my ghost form. I have never managed to get a statue of mine erected in the middle of a traffic junction. I have never managed to get a park or a bus stand or a wedding hall or a road named after me. I never managed to even have 500 friends on Facebook...!! Sheah whatta loser I am...

Another grudge I will nurse will be that of not finishing my autobiography. I shouldn`t have listened to Kushwant Singh and agreed that the best time to write an autobiography is after death. Coz, after death I might find out that there are no pens and no paper. Besides, how do you find publishers willing to publish your articles after you are dead….if finding them when you are alive is so difficult.

More grudges would be around the materialistic secrets in my room....my favorite lighter...wont my mum think wat did she do wid the lighter ;) those rotten dried flowers...my diaries which is full of abuses for the world and tiny love stories...OMG what about my rack of clothes, shoes, bags....whose gonna get rich ;)....damn whoever...wud be lucky for sure...!!

Me dying, how does it affect my family

There will be two parties most affected by my death – my Niece Aayushi and the pet honeybee I have in my house. Honeybee will get over it in a week`s time and die in the next one month (yes, they live only for up to 40 days).
My Aayushi aka Timki will miss me for sure. I will miss her too. But being the ghost, I will be able to tag along with her to her school ….and not leave the sight of her….something that I am unable to do now.

So, this will work out as a huge advantage. Ofcourse the junior baby is on way to come into the world by first week of July...he/she just wont bother....maybe an attitude of WHATEVER is wat wud matter..!!

On the other hand, my mum wud jus keep herself busy weeping for me. My brother Sanjay will rush to the newspaper to give my obituary in newspaper. He will want to make it official as soon as possible, and to that affect will also apply for the death certificate. I also see him rushing to the cupboard in the bedroom and calculating the amount my investment owes him. Coming back to the Obituary in the newspaper, he will stick to the smallest obituary ever because of the cost involved. This is how I see the conversation going:
Sanjay: My sister died this morning, and I want a nice big obituary. How much will it cost?
Editor: Sir, our condolences.
Sanj: But can you match your condolence with a discount?
Editor: No sir. Our festival season is over. We can`t offer you a discount. But if you want,
you can reduce the number of words so you have to pay less.
Sanj: How about “Poonam dead”?
Editor: I am sorry sir, but we have a minimum limit of ten words for Obituaries.
Sanj: Ohh, then let us make it: “Poonam Dead. 2007 Honda Activa/Accessories/Clothes for sale.
My Bhabhi: She would be running around doing chores at home as an adarsh bahu....and silent tears here and there for me...she is really a good soul. Wish I cud be as patient as her is what I as a ghost wud still be thinking.

My Youngest Brother Kapc: Thank God she is gone...the cry baby that she was..no more taking her out for those painful shoppingzzzz...no more tasks will be assigned...no more boring stories of her dream land to be heard...no more tolerating her "Wanna be" attitude..!! But m sure he'll miss giving pravachans to me....as to how I shud have led my life..!! "Sab shabdo ka khel hai baby"...is wat he always preached...!!

Me dying, how does it affect my colleagues:

For my colleagues at India Today, it will be a very nice thing. My death, that is.
Here are some conversations I can see happen the day news of my death appears in the newspapers and Television channels……
Colleague 1: Good riddance. Isn`t she?
Colleague 2: Ohh yeah. But I wish it wasn`t so sudden.
Colleague 1: But I thought you hated her?
Colleague 2: That`s why I didn`t want it to be sudden. I wanted her to suffer for long and then die.

Colleague 3: Hi, Pooh is dead huh?
Boss: Yeah. Too bad.
Colleague 3: Yeah. she isn`t coming back…is she?
Boss: Obviously not.
Colleague 4: If you are so sure, can I sit at her desk. It has good vastu – she hardly did any work there...
Boss: She hasn`t even cleared her desk yet. All her papers are still there. Besides, she hasn`t even
been buried yet.. and don’t remind me of her work....I may fume..!!
Colleague 4: She isn`t going to get up again…is she? Also, now that she is dead…does anybody care about her social networking strategies?
Boss: You got a point. Go ahead and shift.

Me dying, how does it affect my friends:

Dammit she ditched us and left us here to rot in hell....never mind we''ll catch her in heaven...!! ;) Pooh u r missed and loved..is what will go as status updates for a day on FB!! Wont u guys really feel like dis..!!!!

Ahhh whatta feeling this is..!! :) Guess death is more fun than life...!! Still I love my life and wanna live every bit of it...!! :) :) :)